Songs I hate I love

Well, in response to my sister Lori's challenge, here is a list of songs I am embarrassed to admit I like. I am not much of a music fan anymore, I am more of a talk radio addict, so I am sure most of these songs are far outside current pop culture. I list these in order of relative "embarrassedness," the most embarrassing being last.

Anything Def Leppard did. While others were hooked on GnR and Metallica, I for some reason was a decade behind still 'pouring sugar on me.' Had to give respect to the one armed drummer.

Mother by Danzig. Old college thrash song, not terribly embarrassed, but awful taste in music. :)

Baby One More Time by Britney Spears. Had to be the catholic school uniforms in the video. Laura note that I liked this before I met you.

Informer by Snow. Ok, no teenager on the face of this earth in the early 90s couldn't help but "get jiggy with it" (my wife is rolling right now) when they heard this tune, but to this day, I find no one that can understand a full sentence in this song.

Wannabe by the Spice Girls. I couldn't hide this even if I wanted too, Laura would call me on the carpet. I think I even still have the poster I got as a gag gift in grad school.

Almost Ready!

Well, I have stuck true to my word, I have been really studying hard these past few weeks, I have completed my review of all the ground school materials in preparation for the written exam. I am also finally scoring in the 90s on my practice exams (a 70 or higher is passing), many of the answers come immediately now, usually only a very few of the questions I have to contemplate deeply. I am using multiple study guides, and reviewing all the possible test questions in the FAA examination bank. I am working to schedule a ground lesson with my instructor early next week so he can make sure I am ready for the test, and then hopefully have the test scheduled right before the holiday. I tell you what though, its been about 10 years since I was last in school, and boy am I rusty, things just don't stick as easily as they used to. I figured this would be a little bit easier, but its proving to be quite a challenge. Granted, there around about 1000 possible questions they could ask on a 60 question test, but it ranges significantly in topics from basic aerodynamics, weather, airplane systems, FAA regulations, and navigation. I suspect it will be even more challenging to learn the mechanics of flying.

Still no word on my medical, I have another message into the AME about the status of my application, its been about 2 weeks since I last checked, no return call yet. Still no rush, but it will delay my actual flying since I don't want to invest too much money in this venture without knowing for sure I can fly.

So, I expect my next post will be after my lesson with my CFI, cheers everybody!

Slow Progress

Well, only a few minor points worthy of mentioning. I got an update from the AME, and the status hasn't changed. Not much of an update, eh? Doc said the big boys from the FAA haven't called him back yet, so I am still waiting on that.

Other interesting update is that I called back the flight school and informed them of my intentions to begin flying in mid July or so with the intention of getting my written done before flying. My future flight instructor Chris was very supportive. He is going to loan me some DVDs to assist in my home study, and I plan on swinging by the FBO to pickup my ground school "kit." Another interesting tidbit is that my timing to start training in July is "fortunate", they have another instructor coming online. This new CFI will be a freshly minted instructor, so I am little nervous at that prospect, but we all have to start somewhere. Chris mentioned that should help scheduling availability immensely. However, when I mentioned training in the C152, he said I would definitely have to train with the new instructor since he weighs less. Chris said if he trained me in that plane our combined weight would only leave room for about 6 gallons of fuel. I haven't fully decided on the C152, but it certainly would save money, but eventually after I get my PPL, I think I'd prefer the C172 so why not get trained in it? I dunno, I got a month or so before that decision has to be made.

So, I am going to make a real effort these next 3 weeks to sequester myself and get through this material so I can schedule my exam during early July.

Congratulations to Marty for passing his checkride, sky's the limit!

Turn your head and cough please

Well the exam went very well. The AME was very friendly, was a pilot himself, and we had a great conversation afterwards about training in different planes. Since I didn't have a pristine medical application, he wasn't able to issue the certification on the spot. Actually the one thing on the application that I thought wasn't a big deal may drag this out a bit. I was on Paxil for a number of years, but got off it in 2006. The FAA gets all paranoid about applicants with any history of depression/anxiety. Their objection is not with any side-effects of the medicine, rather they prefer a "cover your ass" mentality and feel if you've ever had a struggle that warranted medication, you shouldn't be flying a plane. He said he personally doesn't agree with the FAAs stance on this, its ridiculous on a number of levels. If you are that disturbed enough to be suicidal, you certainly aren't going to spend the time and energy to learn to fly, just to become a kamikaze, there are a lot simpler ways to off yourself. Not to mention this is a very good medicine that has helped many people get a hold of their problems, why penalize them in this way, especially if its long since been dealt with? Anyway, he said there seems to be signs that the FAA might loosen these requirements. Until then, I get to play the paperwork game. He is checking with the regional flight surgeons if they need additional paperwork, he said its 50/50 and sometimes they let things go you'd think they'd want to know more about, and other times they send you through the paperwork maze for trivial ailments. I should find out later today or next week if I have to go back to my primary care physician and get a statement saying I am "stable" enough to fly.

Anyway, any potential delay doesn't bother me, I am still working on ground school materials, and even if this drags out for weeks, I technically don't need my medical certificate until I am ready to solo, which realistically month's away (I would guess October-ish time frame). So, I got time and I am not going to worry about this, it will get resolved soon enough.

In a somewhat related topic, the other night I was flying online, and we had a number of people in the traffic pattern which makes it a lot of fun. Somebody was able to get a screenshot, and you can see me in the pattern if you look close in the upper right. I am the one person clever enough to use my actual first name online.

This weekend, Laura and I are off to Madison to celebrate Aayla's first birthday with Jake and Ruth. Happy 1st Birthday Ayla!

My Plan - Medical and Written First!

So, what is my overall strategy? Well, from what I've read, about half of student pilots quit because they fail to pass the written exam, either because they physically fail, or they can't muster the energy to study for it they eventually give up.

But even before the written, I need to get my medical certificate out of the way. I have my FAA physical scheduled for June 6th. I started with some concerns on this, my CFI mentioned it should be a breeze given my age, unless he said "you have a heart murmur or something..." Uh-oh. In 1997, I had what I believe a hypercautious physican declare I had a heart murmur. So I went through a battery of tests including an EKG and ECG. The result was the cardiologist couldn't find a murmur, and decided to classify it as a "benign" heart murmur. I consulted a AME (Aviation Medical Examiner) and told him my situation, he said I have never been diagnosed with a real heart murmur, and hence should not indicate that on my application. The FAA tends to err on the side of extreme caution, so if you say you have a condition, they assume you have the worst kind until supporting documentation proves otherwise. That means my recent treatments for migraines and GERD will need to be substantiated, but no worries, I have the statements by my doctors that my GERD is under control and my head MRI is clear, so I should have no roadblocks left.

So, back to the written. I have been studying the material at http://www.free-online-private-pilot-ground-school.com/, wow the material is exceptionally complete for a free resource. After fully digesting all this material, I plan to either rent some exam prep DVDs and/or an interactive ground school endorsement service like this one. My goal is to pass my written exam by the end of June, perhaps mid July. By then, the rearrangement of some finances should be in order, and I will be ready to begin flight lessons. If not, no rush! I am in no hurry, aviation will always be there, and I am committed to getting the written portion complete before spending any more money on flight lessons.

Once complete, I plan to dedicate 6-8 flight lessons per month. I expect this to fluctuate slightly with funds availability, shifting priorities for the month, and weather restrictions. At this rate, I can expect to finish as early as 5 months, but more likely 6-8 months depending quite frankly on my aptitude for flying.

Thanks!

Lesson 1 - Discovery Flight

I hesitate to even call this a "lesson," but since my instructor signed my pilot logbook, I suppose it counts towards my 40 hrs required. Honestly, instead of this truly being a lesson, this was a test. A test to myself whether I fully mastered my fear of flying. In truth, I still have some work to do, but looking back I have come a very long way. But rather than rehash my prose on my fear of flying, let's look forward to this interesting adventure.

I finally decided to do it. I've become comfortable flying virtually with FSX on FSMP, and I recently bought airline tickets without an ill feeling, but was I ready? Well, no use paralyzed in anticipation, let's just get on with it.

I scheduled a 30 minute discovery flight with my local FBO for Tuesday, May 6th at 6:00 pm. For the days before, I was watching the weather forecasts like a hawk. I've mused at my past discomfort with turbulent flying, so I really wanted clear weather for my first foray into flight in a single engine piston propeller plane. God instead thought it as an additional trial, as I saw the weather developing for Tuesday, it looked fine for the morning, but deteriorating in the afternoon. About mid afternoon, my CFI Chris gave me a call and wondered if we could move up the flight to 5:15 pm. Due to weather (and his daughter had a soccer game that evening), he wanted to make sure we got off the flight without having to reschedule. Ok, I thought, great! we are going to be racing bad weather, not the start I was looking for.

Finally, the time came around, I raced out of work, eyeing those darkening clouds to the west. I marched myself into the lobby of the FBO, there was Chris waiting and asked... "Are you Dennis?", I replied "Yup!", he said, "Ok, let's go!" Honestly, I was anticipating some more buildup, some time to prepare myself a little more, I didn't expect to walk straight through the lobby and 40 feet directly into a Cessna 172R. I was beginning to freak out a little bit inside, and I wasn't sure if I was experiencing anxiety or excitement. As I started walking to the right side of the plane expecting to be the "passenger," Chris quickly said "Nope, you are the pilot, get yourself in on the left side." He showed me how to open the door, adjust the seat, put on my seat belt, put on my borrowed headphones. Chris explained he already did the pre-flight checklist, and did a very brief introduction to the instruments and controls.

Before, I knew it, Chris was yelling "Clear!" and we were taxing to the runway. Still a bit unnerved, we sat at the run up point short of the takeoff runway. Run up is basically when we hold the plane in place with the brakes and rev the engine, checking to make sure things like manifold pressure, temperature, and RPMs are within tolerances. He also did this check with each of the magnetos (basically spark plugs) running solo. Chris did the final pre-takeoff checklist, we taxied on the runway, and off we went down the runway. Chris explained all propeller planes have a natural tendency to turn in one direction, something I am learning about in ground school study: two I can remember off the top of my head are spiraling slipstream and by newton's laws, when the propeller turns in one direction, the airplane wants to rotate back in the opposite direction. It's amazing I was able to hear anything he was saying since as we began to lift off the ground he said "Ok, you are flying the plane!" I was what!!?? At the time I had probably the most mixed emotion, intense fear trying to overwhelm me as I looked at the departing ground beneath us, but also exciting disbelief, I said to myself two things: "What the heck are you doing up here?" and "I am really doing this, I can't believe I am really doing this!!" Despite Chris said I was flying the plane, I really didn't feel like I was in control, sure the plane rolled when I turned the yoke, and it was climbing with the back pressure I was applying, but it really felt like the plane was flying itself.

So, then Chris said, "Ok, let's head for those rain clouds." Huh!? But! Wha? He explained, when you fly long enough, you will be able to recognize dangerous weather, and it was much wiser to put ourselves between the airport and the rain storm. If we found the weather was rougher than we expected, we simply turn back to the airport. It's much smarter than letting the storm chase you away from a known landing spot! Now we practiced a few turns, which was really neat. My FSX time was prompting me to focus on the instruments instead of looking outside the plane, I have a feeling that is something I will need to work on. After some standard rate 20 deg bank turns, Chris said "Ok, this plane is capable of a lot more." I think if Chris knew me better, he probably would've know that my first discovery flight wasn't the best time to show me the performance limits of the airplane, but as I've learned, that's exactly what my flight training will be focused on. He had me do a 30 degree turn, which I did but I lost some altitude, and he showed me how to compensate with some back pressure on the yoke. Again, all these things should've been very familiar to me from FSX, but there is just too much stimulus coming at you, I forgot most of that stuff. Chris prodded, "Oh, this plane can do a lot more, do you want to try or would you like me to show you?" I timidly replied that he should take the reigns. Chris proceeded to do what seemed to be a 60 deg turn, Wow! The confidence I was building got a little eroded, its an ominous feeling looking straight down at the ground when you are turning, and the G-forces! I actually didn't know what the feeling was and I thought it might be a panic attack or something, when I groaned, Chris replied "Yep, you can feel those G-forces!" Alright, that wasn't my imagination, I was feeling something real!

About now we started hitting some rain, so we turned back toward the airport and starting descending for our first landing. We were a little high, so pitched down, wow is that an intimidating sight, seeing that ground getting closer and closer! We came in for a crosswind landing, which on a high wing plane like a Cessna requires some attention. It felt weird! We dipped our wing into crosswind, landed with the left main wheels first, then let the wind push us onto our right main wheels, then lowered the nose. Wow! But we weren't done yet, he reconfigured the plane for takeoff (adjust trim and retract flaps), and gunned the throttle again, and we were quickly back in the air. We circled to another runway that was more directly into the wind, which changed the landing signficantly, it was much easier. Without having to fight a crosswind, it was a matter of flaring to get the main gear down together first, then lower the nose gear. Chris let me tax back to the FBO hangar; the brakes, rudder, and nose wheel control are all down with pedals on the floor. I didn't have to worry too much about rudder control on this first flight, but its essential to keep your turns coordinated in the longitudinal and vertical axis planes. But I got to work the brakes and nose wheel control to steer the plane on the ground... baby steps!

So, 30 minutes of flight history are behind me. Chris explained that the next logical step would be for me to get my medical certificate. It would be a waste of money to continue to take flying lessons if I have some medical condition that would prevent me from soloing and hence bar me from getting my PPL. I bought a pilot logbook, and he signed it. I plan to put my logbook online too, watch for that shortly.

How did I get here?

Fear and anxiety has shaped too much of my life, it's amazing how a simple aspect of life, like flying, has helped me change my perspective. As I start this blog, I wanted to begin by briefly discussing how flying, family, a book, and God helped change my outlook on life.

I've had a tumultuous relationship with flying. Like most folks, I started off with a fear rooted in ignorance. In my early twenties I'd began to fly frequently enough to get comfortable. My girlfriend (future wife) was in school in Lexington, Kentucky and I was working in Green Bay, WI, so I was getting accustomed to a monthly flight to visit her. It was right about that time, circa 1999, I was seriously considered going for my private pilot's license. Since I was just starting out, cost was a significant deterrent, which delayed my entry. Shortly thereafter, a routine flight through rough weather was all it took to dash my budding interest.

I recall taking a turboprop flight from Detroit, MI to Green Bay, WI. It was an extraordinarily turbulent flight through a thunderstorm, with deep drops and lifts. Now, I am sure everything was completely safe, but it was the first time I'd witnessed the captain order the flight attendants to their seats, they stayed there for the rest of the flight. For some reason, that flight really freaked me out, and I would struggle with any kind of flying for almost 10 years. So much so, I begin to experience panic attacks while flying through any light turbulence. I begun to worry that my worked up state might trigger a more serious medical problem, so my doctor prescribed Alprazolam to calm me down. Despite the effectiveness of the drug, I know I was still inhibiting my family's ability to travel because I would look for any reason or excuse not to fly. My wife and extended family were very supportive, but I couldn't help but feel I was letting them down. I couldn't even conceive why I ever wanted to get my private pilot's license. Despite the overwhelming statistical facts supporting that commercial flight is simply the safest means of travel, I was still convinced that they were death traps and the moment I stepped onto a plane I was destined to die in a fiery crash.

I know a real cheery thought, heh? So, how did I snap out of this? To be honest, it still takes work, because I've found part of my problem is inherent in my personality. For those that know me well, they know I am a very logical and intellectual person, but this is also was my weakness. Despite my best arguments to myself, I would find myself constantly obsessing over those minute, tiny chances in life. This heavily influenced my perspective on flying. Instead of being comfortable in the huge majority of thousands of flights that operate safely everyday, I was dwelling on those freak accidents.

It was no accident that this obsessive thinking coincided with, what I would call, a deterioration of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Whoa!? I just threw you a curve ball, didn't I? What in the world does faith have to do with flying? Well, I understand that almost all of us have a fear of death, it varies in degrees between us, but for most its there, no matter what religion or creed you subscribe to. Ultimately its a fear of the unknown. I am no exception, in fact, at times in my life, I would be up there with those that had an almost debilitating fear of death. For most of my childhood and early adult life, I had that fear, but I managed it well because I thought of it like this.... "If there is a God (hopefully the one I worship), I would take solace that deep down I know I am good person and try my best to do what is right. I would fail a lot, but I would keep trying to do my best. Now, if there wasn't a God, and after death there was ... nothing ... then I suppose I would be in the same position as the rest of all humanity. From the greatest among us, we are all a temporary spec on this vast expansive universe."

Although the latter was still a very scary thought, I found some comfort in that I still wouldn't be alone, I would experience the "nothingness" with all of the rest of world. What I found that, although that approach had its roots in logic, when tested it utterly failed. Whenever I was hurting, I found myself instead of turning to God, I turned to nothing. Sure, I still prayed for help from God, but I let the fear of this "nothingness" overwhelm me, which sapped any comfort my faith would provide.

It was at this point in my life, I experienced my first true providential miracle of God's love. My wife Laura teaches collegiate mathematics, out of the blue she had a student one day hand her a book. He explained his dad wrote it and was giving away some copies, why in the world this student decided to give her this book, I have no idea, but the book was titled "In Search of God", by Warren Henderson. She brought it home, knowing my current struggles with faith and anxiety, she said "a student of mine gave me this, I think you should read it." Not knowing anything about the book, she gave it to me. In a nutshell, this book explored the convincing evidence of God. Now, the book is brutally honest and fair by admitting we will never be able to prove God's existence, nor was it a deep theological examination of the Bible. Rather, it went through some of the common sense arguments that had eluded me for so many years. This exposition was exactly what an obsessive, intellectual person needed to help convince him of not only the scientific plausibility of God, but to return to my church and rebuild the foundation of my faith. I am convinced, that only through God's intervention that a book of this subject managed to find its way into the hands of somebody who truly needed a course correction in life.

Matthew 6:27 "Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. "

Although with this perspective, I have been able to rebuild my faith and find a happiness I didn't know was missing, I still had this fear of flying. It did help immensely to surrender my fears and anxiety to Jesus, but I still wanted to be comfortable flying.

Flash forward to a trip to see my brother Bryan and his wife Jackie in Savannah, GA. My brother also felt uncomfortable on flights, I wouldn't go so far to say he had the kind of fears I had, but he'd rather his two feet on the ground. He explained and showed me how he was able to address his fears. He played Microsoft Flight Simulator X! My brother told me how he got over his discomfort of flying by becoming a virtual aviator and familiarizing himself with the realities of flight: the sights, sounds, procedures, redundancies, etc. Admittedly, FSX is obviously not the same as actual flying, but it gave him knowledge that really helped him gain confidence in the safety of modern aviation. So with his encouragement, I bought a copy of FSX and soon thereafter began to fly on FS-MP. FS-MP is an online flying community that provides a REALISTIC flying and Controlling environment. They have coordinated flights with manned ATC to provide a darn close simulation of flying and interacting with Air Traffic Control. They have many real life air traffic controllers and pilots that fly and help create a very realistic experience. They are really a bunch of top-notch folks who really welcome anybody willing to put forth the earnest effort in learning to fly in a complex environment.

Suddenly things weren't so scary anymore, and I decided to put my fear to the ultimate test and go up in a Cessna 172 with a CFI. I can't say I wasn't nervous, in fact for a few moments I was still quite scared, but soon that turned to a calmed excitement (and slight disbelief, I remember at one point asking myself: Dennis! What the heck are you doing up here!?).

I document my discovery flight experience in another posting, but I wanted to extend my sincere thanks to all in the FS-MP community. Even if I never take another flight lesson, the experiences and fun had at FS-MP has helped me tackle a lifelong fear, and that has truly been invaluable. I am also indebted to my brother, Bryan. You've managed to provide a shinning example of determination and courage, thank you.

So, it is through faith, community, and family I am strong enough to break through my fear. Now the realities of modern day insurance and fuel costs make learning to fly a not-so-cheap challenge, consequently, I am not going to a school for two weeks and coming back a pilot. Through some rearrangement of finances and a few small sacrifices, I am able to free up enough money to take 6-8 lessons a month, which means it should take me about 6 months to finish. And if life throws us another curve ball and I have to put flying on hold, I will have the satisfaction that I tried flying, and I am rid of my fear.

Another important note, I have no desire to become a career pilot. Although I have read many stories of career changes in their 30s & 40s ditching their jobs to pursue a dream of flying everyday, the lifestyle is just not for me. If being away from home constantly wasn't enough to scare me, the prospect of having to sink $40-70K into training at the hopes of landing a first officer position at a regional airline paying $18K/year is more than enough deterrence. I sincerely respect those that have the courage to make such a drastic move to pursue their dreams, but I'd rather not sacrifice my plan to retire in my early 50s and enjoy life with my family.

So, please stay tuned, this should be an interesting ride. I plan to document each of my lessons to share with my friends and family and to reinforce my own learning. I hope to include as many pictures and details as I can.

Deuteronomy 31:8 "God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry."