How did I get here?

Fear and anxiety has shaped too much of my life, it's amazing how a simple aspect of life, like flying, has helped me change my perspective. As I start this blog, I wanted to begin by briefly discussing how flying, family, a book, and God helped change my outlook on life.

I've had a tumultuous relationship with flying. Like most folks, I started off with a fear rooted in ignorance. In my early twenties I'd began to fly frequently enough to get comfortable. My girlfriend (future wife) was in school in Lexington, Kentucky and I was working in Green Bay, WI, so I was getting accustomed to a monthly flight to visit her. It was right about that time, circa 1999, I was seriously considered going for my private pilot's license. Since I was just starting out, cost was a significant deterrent, which delayed my entry. Shortly thereafter, a routine flight through rough weather was all it took to dash my budding interest.

I recall taking a turboprop flight from Detroit, MI to Green Bay, WI. It was an extraordinarily turbulent flight through a thunderstorm, with deep drops and lifts. Now, I am sure everything was completely safe, but it was the first time I'd witnessed the captain order the flight attendants to their seats, they stayed there for the rest of the flight. For some reason, that flight really freaked me out, and I would struggle with any kind of flying for almost 10 years. So much so, I begin to experience panic attacks while flying through any light turbulence. I begun to worry that my worked up state might trigger a more serious medical problem, so my doctor prescribed Alprazolam to calm me down. Despite the effectiveness of the drug, I know I was still inhibiting my family's ability to travel because I would look for any reason or excuse not to fly. My wife and extended family were very supportive, but I couldn't help but feel I was letting them down. I couldn't even conceive why I ever wanted to get my private pilot's license. Despite the overwhelming statistical facts supporting that commercial flight is simply the safest means of travel, I was still convinced that they were death traps and the moment I stepped onto a plane I was destined to die in a fiery crash.

I know a real cheery thought, heh? So, how did I snap out of this? To be honest, it still takes work, because I've found part of my problem is inherent in my personality. For those that know me well, they know I am a very logical and intellectual person, but this is also was my weakness. Despite my best arguments to myself, I would find myself constantly obsessing over those minute, tiny chances in life. This heavily influenced my perspective on flying. Instead of being comfortable in the huge majority of thousands of flights that operate safely everyday, I was dwelling on those freak accidents.

It was no accident that this obsessive thinking coincided with, what I would call, a deterioration of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Whoa!? I just threw you a curve ball, didn't I? What in the world does faith have to do with flying? Well, I understand that almost all of us have a fear of death, it varies in degrees between us, but for most its there, no matter what religion or creed you subscribe to. Ultimately its a fear of the unknown. I am no exception, in fact, at times in my life, I would be up there with those that had an almost debilitating fear of death. For most of my childhood and early adult life, I had that fear, but I managed it well because I thought of it like this.... "If there is a God (hopefully the one I worship), I would take solace that deep down I know I am good person and try my best to do what is right. I would fail a lot, but I would keep trying to do my best. Now, if there wasn't a God, and after death there was ... nothing ... then I suppose I would be in the same position as the rest of all humanity. From the greatest among us, we are all a temporary spec on this vast expansive universe."

Although the latter was still a very scary thought, I found some comfort in that I still wouldn't be alone, I would experience the "nothingness" with all of the rest of world. What I found that, although that approach had its roots in logic, when tested it utterly failed. Whenever I was hurting, I found myself instead of turning to God, I turned to nothing. Sure, I still prayed for help from God, but I let the fear of this "nothingness" overwhelm me, which sapped any comfort my faith would provide.

It was at this point in my life, I experienced my first true providential miracle of God's love. My wife Laura teaches collegiate mathematics, out of the blue she had a student one day hand her a book. He explained his dad wrote it and was giving away some copies, why in the world this student decided to give her this book, I have no idea, but the book was titled "In Search of God", by Warren Henderson. She brought it home, knowing my current struggles with faith and anxiety, she said "a student of mine gave me this, I think you should read it." Not knowing anything about the book, she gave it to me. In a nutshell, this book explored the convincing evidence of God. Now, the book is brutally honest and fair by admitting we will never be able to prove God's existence, nor was it a deep theological examination of the Bible. Rather, it went through some of the common sense arguments that had eluded me for so many years. This exposition was exactly what an obsessive, intellectual person needed to help convince him of not only the scientific plausibility of God, but to return to my church and rebuild the foundation of my faith. I am convinced, that only through God's intervention that a book of this subject managed to find its way into the hands of somebody who truly needed a course correction in life.

Matthew 6:27 "Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not. "

Although with this perspective, I have been able to rebuild my faith and find a happiness I didn't know was missing, I still had this fear of flying. It did help immensely to surrender my fears and anxiety to Jesus, but I still wanted to be comfortable flying.

Flash forward to a trip to see my brother Bryan and his wife Jackie in Savannah, GA. My brother also felt uncomfortable on flights, I wouldn't go so far to say he had the kind of fears I had, but he'd rather his two feet on the ground. He explained and showed me how he was able to address his fears. He played Microsoft Flight Simulator X! My brother told me how he got over his discomfort of flying by becoming a virtual aviator and familiarizing himself with the realities of flight: the sights, sounds, procedures, redundancies, etc. Admittedly, FSX is obviously not the same as actual flying, but it gave him knowledge that really helped him gain confidence in the safety of modern aviation. So with his encouragement, I bought a copy of FSX and soon thereafter began to fly on FS-MP. FS-MP is an online flying community that provides a REALISTIC flying and Controlling environment. They have coordinated flights with manned ATC to provide a darn close simulation of flying and interacting with Air Traffic Control. They have many real life air traffic controllers and pilots that fly and help create a very realistic experience. They are really a bunch of top-notch folks who really welcome anybody willing to put forth the earnest effort in learning to fly in a complex environment.

Suddenly things weren't so scary anymore, and I decided to put my fear to the ultimate test and go up in a Cessna 172 with a CFI. I can't say I wasn't nervous, in fact for a few moments I was still quite scared, but soon that turned to a calmed excitement (and slight disbelief, I remember at one point asking myself: Dennis! What the heck are you doing up here!?).

I document my discovery flight experience in another posting, but I wanted to extend my sincere thanks to all in the FS-MP community. Even if I never take another flight lesson, the experiences and fun had at FS-MP has helped me tackle a lifelong fear, and that has truly been invaluable. I am also indebted to my brother, Bryan. You've managed to provide a shinning example of determination and courage, thank you.

So, it is through faith, community, and family I am strong enough to break through my fear. Now the realities of modern day insurance and fuel costs make learning to fly a not-so-cheap challenge, consequently, I am not going to a school for two weeks and coming back a pilot. Through some rearrangement of finances and a few small sacrifices, I am able to free up enough money to take 6-8 lessons a month, which means it should take me about 6 months to finish. And if life throws us another curve ball and I have to put flying on hold, I will have the satisfaction that I tried flying, and I am rid of my fear.

Another important note, I have no desire to become a career pilot. Although I have read many stories of career changes in their 30s & 40s ditching their jobs to pursue a dream of flying everyday, the lifestyle is just not for me. If being away from home constantly wasn't enough to scare me, the prospect of having to sink $40-70K into training at the hopes of landing a first officer position at a regional airline paying $18K/year is more than enough deterrence. I sincerely respect those that have the courage to make such a drastic move to pursue their dreams, but I'd rather not sacrifice my plan to retire in my early 50s and enjoy life with my family.

So, please stay tuned, this should be an interesting ride. I plan to document each of my lessons to share with my friends and family and to reinforce my own learning. I hope to include as many pictures and details as I can.

Deuteronomy 31:8 "God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you. Don't be intimidated. Don't worry."